Ramblings of an Insomniac

My dreams are starting to become my reality..

As I toss in bed trying my best to gather sleep and drift off to my new reality, I hear nothing but the slow beat my heart is doing and thoughts speaking loudly. My day is composed of my dreams- where my reality shows my fate being meshed with that of my lover, settling down in this weird but beautiful city, earning a lot and starting a life full of bliss. My thoughts much faster than my handwriting, I feel as if days spent awake and going about my duties are but a snail's pace of where I really want to be. I look forward to sleep where my reality lies - where dreams are happening in a much faster pace compared to when I am awake.

I've always dreamt of becoming a writer. I've imagined writing brilliant novels of people and plots that I won't ever experience. I've stumbled into being an idealist to being a pessimist and settled into someone who tries her best to make do with what's there. I've written down thoughts on journals and read them again if I want to reminisce past events that can never happen again. I've resorted to a mantra of "No What-if's" that made me do crazy things that if my parents knew would disown me without hesitation. I thought it would be better if I live my life without regrets and sometimes I think that's what I'm still doing. It's weird that most of the time I still think of myself as boring. It's what I used to call people who choose a nine-to-five job without ever getting out to smell the roses.

I'm a person with so much complication that I sometimes wake up at night and ask myself what I'm doing with my life. I've so many questions in my head that a shrink would have a hard time dissecting it. I have needs and wants that changes every season. I have a heart that cries at every sob movies but delight on the ones that have tragic endings. I'm a confused individual who thinks the world should slow down enough for me to catch up. I'm sick and demented..and I can't sleep.

with Christmas and New Year almost here,

..I'm really, really, REALLY missing home. =(

Who would've thought I'd miss the whole craziness of Christmas and New Year in the PI.

*damn it! this is one of the stuff I hate when I'm away from home

*Sigh..I'm gonna cry now.

O well, Merry Christmas to y'all!

Missing Home for the First Time

Christmas in Beijing, Im afraid...will be just like any other day.

I'm afraid that for us Pinoy's here, we just have to make do with what we have and celebrate Christmas in our own ways.

We don't feel it because..

-we don't get to go on Simbang Gabi

-we don't get to eat puto bumbong and bibingka

-we don't get to buy Christmas hams (haven't seen one here..yet)

-we don''t feel the pressure of doing last minute Christmas shopping and be tired(but happy) because we managed to buy everyone we know gifts

-we're not included in kris kringles coz there's simply none going on here *sniff

It's sad how we're in a country where Christmas is not widely recognized. We even had to force ourselves to feel the Christmas spirit because the ambiance here is so unlike home.

I guess we here would just have to find it within ourselves to imagine countless Christmases spent at home and feel happy and sad at the same time.

You really won't appreciate "home" until you're outside peering in like a stranger.

Random Musings

---
I've managed to get myself into a long distance-relationship stuff again. *hits head
I guess I never learned from my past experience where my boyfriend-back-then went up north and ended up meeting his future-wife *I wasn't talking about me.

So yeah, i got into this rut again.
But of course with optimism and clear hopes that it's gonna be different this time..
I thought it would be a breeze...
it's effin' not!

If a couple is used to seeing each other everyday..it kinda hurts the relationship if you pull them to different directions all of a sudden. *Me in China, him in Manila
It makes a couple crazy miss each other..and crazy feel the strain of not being able to see and talk to each other. The feeling's a killer, I tell you.

And the fights? O yes, the fights can rival the Cold War. *won't elaborate It makes me want to cry and laugh at the same time because of the miserable mess we've managed to get our pathetic selves into.
---

I owe my one ream of ciggys BIGTIME because they have been keeping me company whenever I'm cold, confused, hurt, missing Cujo like crazy, or just plain bloated with food.

Thank you, Capri!

*I missed you today, I forgot to bring you with me to work. Will prolly ask Phyllis, Regional Manager (also my ciggy buddy) is she can spare me a stick.
---

A question suddenly presented itself to me:

What if I suddenly grow tired of shopping and all the going-around we've been doing in Beijing, what would I do with myself if that happens? I might go crazy perhaps!

NOT!!!

---
~~~Random musings from an emotionally demented me.

oh..and i gotta write this down..

I learned to work the chopsticks..i'm left handed so i naturally tried it on my left..
well, what do you know..I was able to work it on my right hand..and eventually on my left hand as well!


Hell, I'm ambidextrous!!

Bday in Beijing

It was a frustrating yet hilarious Bday spent in Beijing...



I was up early to go to the Police Station two blocks from our apartment to get our temp residence visa.

I was playing with my phone while our landlady does the talking..







After the Police Station..we were off to the mall to spend our first salary!! Whooopeee!

Me feeling like a tourist on my rest day!

Little do we know that our pay hasn't arrived yet!






We went to this open air flea market where you have to take a looooong and cold walk before you get there..

Little did I know I'll regret going around the place while my toes start to freeze..









Tobal (the only guy-gay in the group), Ester, and I still enjoying the walk..again feeling like a tourist.









There we were..with still no pay..doing some window shopping while freezing..

I bought an additional pair of socks because my toes are really starting to get numb. We had to combine our strengths just to get my boots to close..I was wearing foot stockings and 2 pair of socks so go figure!

In between fitfuls of laughter and incessant stares from strangers (because we foreigners were really making a scene)..we were finally able to close my boots. I had to limp all the way to the nearest KFC so I can rest my feet. Daym..that was a near brush with frost bite. So much for my birthday!

After 8 hours outside and wishing we can already spend our much earned pay..we went to the bank (for a 3rd try) at around 6pm (still early), and finally got our wish!

And you know what came next...

S H O P P I N G ! ! !

I've been here in Beijing for almost two weeks now.

I haven't been getting that home sickness thing really since I'm with my Pinoy team.

Some basic facts I learned here:
- when walking the streeets of Beijing, you have to be wary of the ground your walking on because the natives spit on the streets like there's no tomorrow. (Ewww)
- when shopping, if the tag says 40% then that would mean you will only pay 40% of the original price. (so unlike the sales in Manila)
- when riding the bus, you have to be careful in identifying where the entrance and exit is if you don't want the conductor to shout some Chinese what-have-you's once you've entered the bus.
- if you're on board the bus and you know you're stop is just around the corner, make sure you stand near the exit because if you so only miss a beat and lag behind the crowd then expect the bus driver to close the doors even before you can say 'Para!'
- bargaining in tiangges and flea markets here is considered an art. One shouldn't feel guilty when haggling a 200RMB-worth sweater for 90RMB coz these guys wouldn't sell you an item if they're really not gonna benefit from the sale. I've never enjoyed shopping this much!!!
- renting an apartment here wouldn't cost you an arm and a leg compared to renting condos in Manila. It's cheap and fully furnished! With the population in Beijing..it's no wonder they never resorted to building bungalows. It was smart of them to put up dozens of apartments and leave the bungalows to the outskirts and provinces.

So you can tell I'm pretty much enjoying my stay here. I'm just having a hard time reminding myself that I'm not a tourist but an OFW here...coz geez..everything's so cheap here!

*pics to follow..

Surreal

2 days and 3 nights..

So far, I've yet to adjust to the fact that I'm already in Beijing. I've to learn how to work the chopsticks (but I always bring a fork =P) and to learn basic Chinese to survive the daily what-have-you's like commuting and shopping!

The friggin' cold makes my sniffles appear and disappear depending on whether I'm inside a building or out in the streets...
I've bought a pair of knee-high boots because my stilletos I brought with me is making my feet ache like hell. We hafta do a lot of walking as there are designated bus stops here. It's crazy how we have to wait for a number 702 or 653 bus and somehow miss the stop because we were a couple of seconds late in approaching the bus exit. It's crazy here!
I also bought a down-jacket so I can brave the streets without my teeth chattering and without me having to wear layers and layers of clothes that makes me look like I'm twice my weight. *Can't imagine what it would be like when it's already snowing. We'd all look like penguins waiting for the bus.

The apartment we're able to find is cool becuase it has everything. My room even has a computer with dial-up access..and I even have a terrace where I can smoke and lounge. **Double star

The thing we have to get familiar with since we're not tourists but OFWs is to not convert everything in Peso. Everything here is cheap..the appliances, the phones, the food (o yes, the food!!) and I can't wait for my reimbursement and my first pay check to buy stuff.

The thing I miss eating is rice. We ate at this restaurant and the rice took so long for them to serve that we ended up eating everything without it! Arghh..I hafta get used to this!

Blessing indeed!

I't's funny how things turn out the way they do..it's even funnier when you realize that inspite of all the hassle and pain you've gone through, all will be to your advantage in the end...

I've quit my stint with MM but I did that before guaranteeing a slot within this new and kewl company called D.
Personal and past issues resurfaced..debts and responsibilities kept piling up..to add to that, the humungous and unbelievably huge tax D has been deducting from my mythically huge salary..and voila, what you get is a disgruntled, kicking-and-screaming-to-be-let-out employee. *that's me

My better half and I decided to 'broaden our horizons' by looking for jobs outside the PI. It was something we both wanted and we couldn't finish planning and planning and planning...until now.
We update our resumes, pumped up our application letters through sites for jobseekers..

In just a couple of days, I got separate text messages: a friend from a previous job and another from a friend back in high school, sharing with me news about a job based overseas. One of them even told me that me and my beau were the first peeps she thought of when she learned about the post..*talk about hulog ng langit

It's a mystery how everything falls into your plate without knowing why you deserve such..

What's even weirder is that when I went to that interview for one of the said post, I thought I was a goner. I thought I bonked and spoiled my chances for showing up inspite of having the sniffles. Hell, the interviewer even asked if I was really that quiet during interviews. I wanted to give her a barrage of reasons but I was reduced to coughing a sentence that sounded like an apology and an excuse being that I have a cold. *sniff

Lo and behold, a week after finally giving up my hopes that I'd get the post and doubled my efforts of looking up jobs online, I got a call from someone saying I got the J-O-B **Yippeeee I was told that I'd get a call this week for the job offer...WOW!

Now I dunno if my beau's my goodluck charm or what. I have been praying earnestly to God that we will do our best in making our plans a reality but the end-all-be-all will still be His Will. If God wants us to be together, we would know because our plans would work in our favor...

and so far, that's exactly what's happening. =)

potah nakakabato sa trabaho..nakakabato pero maraming kelangan gawin..kelangan tapusin..kelangan i-submit, kelangan i-1:1..leche..andaming gagawin na ayoko simulan..kung gagawin ko ba yun tataas sweldo ko..NOOOOOO!!!!! Kaya di na lang ako magtatrabaho ngayong araw na to..

Ano..bakit di na lang ako mag resign kung madami akong reklamo..oo, intay ka lang malapit na..naga-apply apply na para makaalis na dito sa Pinas..gudbay Dell..gudbye stress sa trabahong hindi man lang ma-compensate ang mga tao dahil sa laki ng tax at kakulangan ng benefits..akala mo lang nakakalula ang job offer pero ang totoo..ang ikinalalaki ng mata mo eh yung tax na ibabawas sayo..lech!

oo nagsisisi ako na nagresign ako..oo na tanga ako..pero marami din naman akong natutunan dito..na wag pipirma kagad ng kontrata porke ba doble ng kinikita mo ang nakalagay dun..parang mirage yan eh..guni-guni mo lang..pag matagal magigising ka na sa katotohanan na mas malaki pa ang take home mo doon sa dati mong trabaho..enjoy ka pa..potah talaga..

oo, aalis na ko..nagbabalak na..nag-aaply na para makaalis na dito..oo may tinatakbuhan akong bakulaw..oo ganun ko kamahal ang sarili ko..ang boypren ko..ang pamilya ko..at ang mga kaibigan ko..ayoko na intayin ang isang araw na biglang mawala ako ng parang bula dahil napatay ako jan sa may kanto lang...mahal ko pa din buhay ko..kaya aalis na lang ako dito..

Big Girl

I'm so proud of myself, I'd have to write it here.

I have been renting a place for 5 months and honestly, I've been so dependent on cabs to shuttle me from home to work and vice versa. I didn't care whether it'll shrink my pay and make me worthless until the next payday. I was just so scared to commute from my place to the office.

Well, after Cujo and I have done some researching and tried to commute once; I was on my way to being totally independent. I am now a certified commuter!! I no longer think it's "jologs" to ride the jeepney or bus. My wanting to save weighed more than my being "maarte" about commuting.

My commute to the office consists of:
- a trike ride
- a jeepney ride
- either I ride a second jeepney, ride the bus or a service vehicle.

It now takes off 180 bucks off my daily transpo expenses of 260. Yeah!!

Now all I have to do is to start saving up and I'm on my way to financial independence! Yey!!

Choices..

I've resigned from my stint with Macromedia..and now I'm with D.

Ask me if I love my work there and I'd answer you with something like..
"I've had the best years with MM..with D it's different.."

People at work's competitive. Stack ranks are being generated almost every week and they will base how they'll look at you through your team's performance. So far, I've been lucky because my team's one of the best.

The thing that sucks here is the amount of pressure, workload, and stress we managers go through in a daily basis. I leave for work feeling down because in spite of the pay which we're not actually happy about (some promises broken by MNGT), it's also a huge effort on my part to motivate myself in order to influence my team to have a winning attitude towards work. Often times I'd feel thankful and refreshed only after I spent time with my team sharing jokes and what-have-you's ..sometimes I get a boost of confidence because I know my direct manager is attentive and involves herself with my team.

I am starting to be flighty. A manager from our pioneer batch just resigned and I'm hearing a lot of news that some are starting to update their resumes. As for me? I sometimes wish I haven't left MM (but hey, I had my personal reason for leaving)..oftentimes I tell myself to stick with D because of the many possibilities it can give me. With that, I am currently looking into trying my luck as a Process Lead. I'm getting tired of handling people and would like to concentrate more in improving processes.

In the end, I have my team, my friends at the office, my Cujo and friends who still haven't disowned me inspite of my constant absence (bec of work) to push me whenever I feel down...and last but definitely not something I can disregard, my never ending duty as the family's breadwinner, to convince me that I can't give up just yet.

End of Week Musings...

--I miss my comfort zone--

Being in a new environment, dealing with new and strange people, venturing out on my own..

scares me to death and excites me at the same time.

I still miss seeing old faces..

patting their backs and checking on what-have-you's and stuff..

I miss my old friends.

--Living alone feels weird--

Growing up in a crowded place..being used to hearing noises everywhere..people talking all the time..

Getting a bit of time alone is an oasis I have always wanted..

And now that I'm finally by myself..not hearing anything else but myself feels so weird.

I found myself yearning for the old noise I was hearing all my life.

And at the same time, I bask in the quietness of my room..finally being able to grasp my being independent at the palm of my hand.

--I feel isolated--

My new job makes me feel isolated from my old, familiar world.

I can no longer meet up with girl friends before my shift..

A trip to the mall, or somewhere other than my house and the office has to be scheduled..unlike before.

Quality time with Cujo has to be carefully plotted..no spontaneous trips to the mall or restos..

I miss my old life..

but I know I can only go forward and just look at the past with wistful eyes..

remembering how carefree my life has been before this.

*sniff

Freedom, at last!

I have finally chalked up enough courage to finally rent a place and be on my own! Yipeee!

I have been ranting about how I'm being treated at home and how I'm in desperate need to be independent..the time has finally come!

Woohoo!

My family's initial reaction was negative. I get it that they still don't want to see their eldest daughter have enough balls to move out of the nest, but I'm doing it so they better accept it.
Some peeps are happy about it, some of my not-so-close friends are not hesitating to voice out questions about my reasons for moving out.

Hell, I don't have to justify my actions to people who don't even matter. This is my life anyway!

I'm stoked about my new place! I hope I can gather my close friends and do a house warming party of sorts!

..doing nothing @ work this week...
..so bored..
..i wish they'd let us go home early..

BUMMER!!!!