Regrets???

GT: ..siguro kung hindi ako na-promote mas nagkikita tayo no? Sorry lagi akong busy..

..Pagod sobra yung work. Feeling ko nawala na naman yung closeness naten. Sana sa weekend makalabas na tayo..

When I met him downstairs for a smoke, he must've felt my aloofness. I suddenly felt sad when I saw him. Maybe I realized how things have changed drastically for the both of us and we couldn't get hold of each other coz the tide is really fast and it's blowing us off to entirely different directions.

I felt good somehow that he's feeling all those emotions now. I told him he shouldn't regret having been promoted coz we both know that he so wanted that position and he got it because he deserved it.

I'm just sad because more work means less time for us to see each other. And I really am missing him.
I'm tired of planning weekend meetings only to be blown off by sudden happenings that are simply beyond us. I can say that I'm at the point where I'm fed up and I want him to feel my frustration and do his part for us to spend time with each other.

I don't know what the next few days, weeks or months will bring us. It's either we'd be busier and not have time for each other at all or we'd make something out of our situation and rekindle our closeness.

me: ..now see what you've done..made me feel sad all of a sudden w/ what you said.


The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity. ~ Mother Teresa

As if my brief episode in my previous post was not enough..I ran into my recent ex and his wife when I was on my way to work.

I suddenly wished the ground could swallow me up whole and I felt like an instant loser.

I felt bad and I cried the whole trip. I felt sorry for myself. I felt all that I have done and discovered about myself the past years since we broke up still wasn't enough to make me feel secure about the new me I've fought hard to establish. I felt utterly alone while my ex has someone with him.

I hated how life could be unfair. I was the one who was left in the cold and he's the one who's happy.

I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself coz I've grown so much because of what happened but I couldn't help but feel remorse about the unfairness of things.

I'll be fine after this, I just hafta acknowledge these feelings..cry coz I need to let it out than go on with my life and be happy for my ex.

Swept Away

I found myself alone outside a coffee shop in Eastwood. I was actually waiting for a friend for a dinner date but I wasn't expecting that I'd be waiting for almost an hour and that I would be in the company of myself, a frap and a smoke. Time alone is familiar 'coz I've been leading a recluse life lately.

Finding myself alone with my thoughts is also kinda disarming. It left me free to wallow in whatever thoughts that would cross my mind and it's awkward and welcomed in a weird way. It's the 'ber' month and that means Christmas is fast approaching. Time for my being lonely to be magnified a hundred folds and that's not something I look forward to. I find it weird that although I'm busy with work, I still have this gnawing depression that I can't quite discern. I'm eating more than I usually do and I'm not sure if that could be attributed to me PMSing or if I'm just plain lonely. It's these moments that I feel irritable seeing couples everywhere I go. I abhor them!

I texted my friend to hurry up 'coz I couldn't bear another minute at the coffee shop alone. I'm afraid I'd go crazy and start making a scene throwing stuff at couples.

I hate the 'ber' months. Cursed singles are being tortured mercilessly during these times and I thought I wouldn't be counted as one of them but unfortunately, I am and I'm not liking it one bit.

I'm almost finished with my frap and I'm not seeing even a mere shadow of my friend.

Remind me to strangle my friend once we meet up.

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After an hour and so minutes..I met with my friend at Jack's Loft and had a refreshing dinner. We talked about a lotta stuff and I felt good afterwards.

The strangling part has long been forgotten..
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*waves at Hundun and Kaje. I had dinner with Emer and we miss you both!

Random thoughts

So this is what it's like to be busy.

-I hardly have time for myself so I'm glad my VL request got approved. I have personal things to settle so now I have time to do them.

-With everything moving so fast, I hate to admit it but I've jumped into the wagon and accepted whatever's blown my way. I no longer have time to ponder on things thus I am craving for some time alone.

-With the incident concerning GT, I've decided to keep mum about it to my friends. I only have Nemo and my self proclaimed shrink / colleague to listen to my ramblings while smoking. My shrink is really sweet and now I know why he's called a 'ladie's man'. He has a way with words and making someone feel listened to and understood. I chose him as my personal shrink because we're not that close and he doesn't know that much about me. Being close to someone can really have certain disadvantages coz they tend to be really personal about their advices.

-I'm happy where I'm at right now. At least I'm seeing a bleak white light ahead. But I have yet to adopt my multi-tasking skills and apply it in real life.

-I miss Kaje, Hundun and Viancs. I don't know what's going on at their end but I'm hoping it's all good news. I wish I can hug them all right now.