..and now it's getting more complicated.

Complicated because of our setup
Complicated because it involved others as well.

Was it my fault that you were seen by people with your ex?
Was it my fault that I didn't explain to them what our situation is?
I couldn't coz I don't know.

I got hurt but I didn't think I owe anyone any explanation about what we saw.

If we decide to still go out, yes I would be bothered by what the others will say but I'm ready to shun it all because I'm choosing to believe you.
If it will be an issue on your part, then you have some serious problem. You're not the guy I thought you were.

Let's try to talk this over and see where this will lead us. I'm willing to give this one more shot coz I don't want to live with my what-have-beens.


'It's wiser not to expect, but to hope. For in expecting, we meet disappointments; whereas in hoping, we invite surprises.'

Well, what do you know..I finally had the time to update. My shift ended four hours ago and I've stopped working so now I have time to blog before I head for home.

I miss my bitch buddy, Kaje. She already went abroad and I just realized how things will be different now that she's so far away. I won't have someone I can call on everytime a date is cancelled then I'll invite her to go anywhere. I won't have someone I can call on anytime I have some 'chismis' to spill even if it's like 2 in the morning. I miss her already. She's one of my real friends who can stand the real me. She tells me my being a bitch is so innate that she feels like she's the only one who can really understand me. I told her a dozen times that I'm not a bitch but she would always counter it with a hug and she'll tell me that she loves me nevertheless. *sighs

I miss her


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The whole week seemed like a whole month to me. I'm still adjusting to loads of responsibilities dumped on my shoulder after I got promoted. I'm not saying I don't want it but I do welcome the stress. Sometimes I stare into space coz I start to realize that all these work's somehow going to take a toll on my personal life. Maybe I'm bound to not have the best of both worlds, eh? But at least I have one foot already inside as far as career is concerned and the other foot still hesitating to go in when it comes to my lovelife. But me being the idealist, will be moving mountains just to get all of them to work. I deserve what's happening in my life right now.

I know I do.

Who's got the upperhand?

Now who thought I can have the best of both worlds?

I just got promoted..yeah, I'm ecstatic about my new role. Big Deal.

I've been spending a lot of time with GT and I thought I had the upperhand. Was I ever wrong when I started getting jealous when he told me his ex stopped by his place and they had dinner!!!!

*An arrow shot straight through the heart

I really thought I had the upper hand. I was stupid enough to get scared of hurting him because i still couldn't tell if it's just physical attraction or genuine care on my part.

But hey, you have to give him credit because he tells me stuff like who's asking him out and the like. But I couldn't say i do the same. I tend to tell him some of what's happening to me including some of the guys bugging me but I didn't tell him that I dated some and liked a few.

Now who really has the upperhand? I have no idea.

Hey, I'm saying this shit like a relationship with a special someone is a battle. It's a battle alright..but not with the other person..but with myself.

I'm battling whether I should give my heart out to this stranger who I'm getting cozy with or continue playing.

A promotion and a promise

This past week has been toxic for me..

For one, I just got promoted! It's a liberating experience for me to be handed new responsibilities. I welcome the sudden rush I feel whenever an agent escalates a call, asks a difficult question and I'm able to answer it or even plain do work stuff that I don't get to do when I was an agent. It's the thing I need to rekindle my love for the work I do. I'm thankful I got this position and I'm willing to work hard and to prove that I can deliver what is expected of me.

As for my heart..it has been beating incessantly over the last couple of days. GT and I have been spending a lot of time together and I somehow welcome the prospect that we're a couple. The one thing needed from us is a confirmation that we're indeed a couple. I like that he makes me feel special. But I suddenly got scared that I might end up hurting him. Don't ask me where I got that thought coz I also don't have any idea. I'm afraid I'm waivering between physical attraction and genuine care.

I can honestly say that I'm liking what I have now. I think I'm getting the best of both worlds although I know that I still have to work on it. And I get the feeling that things will get much, much better from now on.

One hurrah for contentment here!

Have a great weekend, everyone! Mwah!

One Great Love

I just finished reading James Patterson's 'Sam's Letter to Jennifer' and it made me ask myself when I've been 'crazy in love'.

I guess there's always this ONE GREAT LOVE in our life. Have you found yours?

I met mine last 2002. He made me see myself in a whole new light. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful girl (in the world) because he sees only me. He placed me in a pedestal and he made me realize that I'm worth much more than I've deemed myself to be.

He would always have a compliment and he made me feel special in little ways. I felt his love when were together as well as when we were apart. He made me feel all sorts of positive emotions I didn't even realize I was capable of feeling.

He made me see that the world is such a beautiful place especially when you are holding the hands of someone you love dearly. When we're outside, the crowd would always seem to vanish leaving just the two of us..moving in slow motion..staring at each other..loving every moment.

He made me come out of my shell. He was able to make me express my love for him without having to be conscious about what the others will say. We would always drop 'I love you's' and mean it everytime.

But all good things aren't meant to last.

He's already engaged when I met him. He said he was caught between a rock and a hard place. He and his fiancee had everything planned out, and there were other reasons why he couldn't leave so he chose to work it out with her. I cried buckets when we had to end what we have. It was short but oh so sweet.

He was my one great love and I would be most fortunate if I find another one. I know I'll find one because I deserve it.

B(oy) Shift

Yes, I did enjoy being in the afternoon shift. Maybe too much. And sure I met a lotta new people but the highlight would be the time I get to spend with old friends.

But lemme describe to you the guys I met during my 'gimmick' shift:

Bryan - He's normal looking. He was kind enough to drop me off at my place considering that we live at opposite sides of the Metro. His text messages would always include smilies after every sentences. I thought I could give him a chance but when he suggested that we go 'someplace else' and do something...man, I couldn't run fast enough! To add to that, he's already 27 but he's still in school. He's not taking MBA, ladies and gentlemen. I guess he loves school that much, eh.
- 'Hey, Bry..you're an okay guy. But you're way too fast for me. Maybe in some other lifetime we can go 'someplace else' and be alone.'

Bennedict - The Ex. He hasn't changed. Well, he just got out of a 5-year relationship so I give him kudos for that. I thought we could be friends. I'm still hoping since I want to maintain a good relationship with my exes. No bitterness here.
- But I got weirded out when he would always ask where I'm at, invite me out for a drink or dinner and then tell me that he misses me. Damn! 'I want to be friends, I don't want to rekindle the past, ya know!'

Stanley - My ex's friend back in college. He thought that the reason why I was always snubbing him then was because he's friends with my ex (which was partly true) but also because he's not my type.
- So NOW he thinks he has a chance. He's a stalker in the making, I tell yah! He would always ask if we can go out or if he can pick me up after work. I would always have an excuse for him not to drop by my office. I get goosebumps everytime he texts..the 'eww-eww goosebumps, I mean. But before you guys decide that I can now be included as a member of the 'MEAN GIRLS' club, I'm planning to tell him that we're better off as friends.

BJ - He's a friend's colleague and seemed really nice. He carried some of the stuff I got while we were at the mall. He's funny, likes the same kind of music I dig and he's from Bacolod.
- He just got outof a 5-year relationship. I was having a great time but noticed how he would always manage to insert that he is single and he doesn't have a girlfriend. 'Dude, you're starting to look like a walking-talking ad.' But he's a lot of fun and I wouldn't mind hanging out with him.

So you see, my quest to meet a lotta potential 'whatevers' made me realize what I really want in a guy: someone stable (mind, heart and other what-have-you's), independent, secure about himself, has a sense of humor, and we don't necessarily have to dig the same stuff but we should somehow complement each other's inadequacies and idiosyncracies. And last, as what Sarah Jessica Parker said in one of their Sex in the City episodes: 'Someone who thinks that I'm the one.'