Scattered Thoughts..

(pagbabalik tanaw sa mga ginawa ko ng mga nakaraang araw...)

Ayoko mag-blog! Ayoko mag-blog!! NOOOOO!!!

Teka, makapag-yosi na lang muna..

(after 5 or so mins)

So, asan na ba ako?

I feel so disoriented and so scatterbrained today, it sucks. Kelangan ko pa ipaalala sa sarili ko ng paulit-ulit kung anong araw na at kung kelan ako may pasok at wala.

*buntonghininga

---

I have been out of the house for the last two days that I now feel soooo tired. To think that the one thing I've accomplished is to get drunk. Isama na din naten ang pagkapudpod ng sapastos ko dahil puro lakad sa mall ang ginawa ko.

During my off Last Thursay, ang aga-aga ko sa mall. I watched 'Ella Enchanted' at the Galleria with Phoeb's, Mel and Jayvee. It was better than what I have expected save for some special effects that the audience didn't buy and the lame ending. Para kaseng Tagalog Film na kumakakanta't sayaw sila sa ending ng movie. Badtrip, ok na sana e. Na-distract pa kame ng kasama ko dahil sa isang couple na nasa harap namen na walang ginawa kung hindi maglambutsingan..sarap buhusan ng iced tea...BITTER!!!!

Naiinis ako dahil kating-kati na akong mag-shopping at gamitin ang aking bagong credit card (salamat sa bangkong nagpadala saken) pero wala..nauwi akong walang dala kung hindi ang bag ko lang. Letse! Sana pala hindi na ko pinadalhan ng bangko ng isa pang credit card para hindi ako ganito! Waaaah!!!

---

Ang labas, yung mga kasama ko ang may nabili at ako naman ay laging nasa labas lang ng mga stores dahil nga hindi ako makapag-decide kung anong bibilhin: IPod or kahit anong ayos na jukebox or sangkaterbang damet. Hay buhay!

Buti na lang at pumunta na kame sa bahay ng isang officemate namen para magsimulang uminom. 6pm yun ah. At pagkatapos ubusin ang isang boteng Sky Vodka at Sprite, nakipagkita na kame sa iba pa nameng kasama sa Bagaberde. Isa na namang gabi ito ng pango-okray.

The things I have discovered that night:

-Si Jimmy Bondoc pala ay hindi kapatid ni Onemig Bondoc.

-Si Jimmy Bondoc pala eh ang pangit ng boses. Kahit mahaba na ang buhok nya at nagwo-workout na sha e nakikita ko pa din si LA Lopez sa kanya. Kaya nga ang mga pinakanta nya nung gabeng iyon e sila Keith Martin na isang buyo lang e kakanta na, si Nina na ang flawless na at bigla atang lumaki ang hinaharap at yung kasama ni Keith Martin na kamukha ni Busta Rhymes.

-Naging si Jimmy Bondoc pala at si Nina. Sus..hindi kase ako magaling sa mga local chismis eh.
-Ang flawless ng skin ni Nina. Iba talaga pang 'songer' at sikat. Samantalang hindi ko man lang maalala na nakita ko sha sa Miriam College nung nag-aaral pa ko dun. Haaay.

-Ang grupo pala nameng magkaka-opisina ay pang-hotel lang ang beauty. Ibig sabihin mas safe pa na nasa hotel kame nagiinuman kesa sa labas dahil sa lakas ng pango-okray namen sa mga kumakanta eh pasalamat kame at hindi lumapit ang mga bouncer o di kaya ay inabangan kame sa labas at inupakan.

-Akala ng mga ka-opisina ko ay maganda ang boses ko dahil mamatay-matay at mapatid-patid ang mga lalamunan nila sa pangbubuyo saken na umakyat ako sa stage at kumanta. Inaykupu...pang videoke lang ang beauty ko. Ayoko pa mamatay ng maaga. Parang awa nyo na. Marami pa kong pangarap sa buhay.

---

Kinabukasan (Friday):

Dapat magkakaron ng Round 2 ang gimik at pupunta kame ng Xymaca ng mga ka-opisina ko. Buti na lang nag-text saken ang barkada ko dati sa Etel at nagpa-spa na lang kame...sa Galleria ulet. Yun lang siguro ang isang magandang nangyari saken. Bukod sa hindi na naman ako nakapag-shopping, I ended up as a third wheel ng nanuod kame ng 'King Arthur' kasama ang boylet ng kaibigan ko.

Buti na lang may yosi ako kung hindi nasiraan na ako ng ulo.

---

Pagkatapos ko makarating ng bahay at magintay sa labas dahil wala kong susi sa gate at parang mantika matulog ang mga tao sa amin, nalaman ko na na-snatch pala ang bag ng sister ko sa labas lang ng Galleria. Naknangtalong, oo! Sumusunod ba sha sa yapak ko?!?

Natangay lahat: cellphone, wallet nya na andun yung sinuweldo nya, lahat ng ID nya at ang kikay kit.

Hinablot daw ng isang driver ng taxi. Sana mabunggo sha..tumilapon ang taxi at ma-disgrasya sha.

So ang labas, hindi muna ako makakabili ng MP3 player na liman-libong taon ko nang pinagnanasaan dahil ibibili ko ng cellphone ang sister ko.

Oo, dakilang ate na ito.

Pagawan nyo na ko ng rebulto.

---

At oo nga pala, malimit na mag-text ngayong si GT. Humihirit na nami-miss nya ako. Lalo na kanina nung sinabe nyang namiss nya ako dahil nanunuod sha ng 'Meet Joe Black' sa Star Movies.

GT (text): Sobrang hawig mo talaga si Claire Forlani. Everytime I see her, I see you as in (smiley face).

Wushu...bola na naman ito.

THE END

(ayoko daw mag-blog pero ang haba na ng nasulat ko!)

Meet Joe Black

 

I love this movie because of Anthony Hopkins. It moved me so much to see how strong the bond was between him and his daughter in the movie, Claire Forlani. (Plus the fact that GT calls me Claire because I look like her...that was according to him guys so don't blame me!)

 

I once didn't know why I cried over this movie. I watched it now and I was finally reminded of the reason. It's the scene where William Parrish was finally saying goodbye to his daughter and Susan somehow knew that he won't be back. I know that if I were in her shoes I would've bawled over and held on to my father for dear life.

 

I envied their connection because although I love my father to death, me and my sibs weren't brought up to be demonstrative. We only show that we love each other by other means. Phrases like 'I love you' won't be heard at our home save for special occasions.

 

I have carried that trait when I started in school and even when I graduated. It was my pen who did the talking. Ask my college friends and they'd tell you how I used to just give 'em letters if I wanna share something about what I'm feeling. I could be really rowdy but I found it really unnecessary to share bits about myself to my friends. I don't know if they have noticed it but I was always the 'listener'. And I could be a really good one. But it was rare that I would tell them what's bothering me.

 

It was when I finally started working and meeting friends like Nemo, a few close friends within the office, Vianca, Kaje and our circle of friends that I learned to venture out of my shell. These people reached out and held me while I slowly expressed my feelings other than writing. Thanks guys.

 

I have yet to exercise this new found ability to be expressive at home and with my other friends.

I am a work in progress.

Please bear with me.

 

 

*Oh, and I also thought Brad Pitt was really gorgeous in this movie. 

Wow...I can't believe it..I'm normal again!

I get to stray away from my nocturnal shift for a week and from the looks of it..I think I'm starting to like it..Yey!

 

But wait..I have been staring at my computer for the longest time not knowing where to start with my non work related to-do list...Waaah! I'm not used not diving onto work right after I log in..it's truly a lovely shift! hahah!

 

List of things to do:

 

1. Clean my MP3 list - I use to sort each song onto their proper cats (oo, I can be OC at times) but I don't get to do that for how many months now because of work.

 

2. Clean my Inbox - I see a clutter of mails. Some I haven't even read and some were even dated a couple of months ago! Waah! Now I have the whole week to sort and read all of em. Yey!

 

3. Blog - I can now blog without having to wait for my break to come or try to multi task. I can also bloghop til my eyes hurt.

 

4. Read - I get to start reading my new books that were starting to clutter the space in my bookshelf. Nerd!

 

5. Meet up with 'normal' friends - I started with this one already. I met up with my college bestfriend and was able to catch up on things. Sigh. I feels so good to be normal again.

 

6. Get a (night) life - I don't have to wait for 'weekends' just to go out. I don't have to settle for trips to the mall or hanging out at Whistlestop after shift in the morning..I can now go out while the rest of my teammates work their ass off during evenings! This is the life!

 
= = =

'Teacher, teacher...HOLDAP PO ITO'

A TRIBUTE TO MY COLLEGE BUDS

 

 

 

I met up with Sasa before my shift and we started off with the 'what's up wit you now' until we drifted off to reminiscing about college life and how it was different..way different from now. Our world then was so limited to the confines of the classroom, home and ocassional trips and gimiks. We have grown and changed so much and I find it fit to describe each of my college buds here...(ala Friendster testimonial)

 

Khrissy - The epitome of a 'panganay'. You will always find her seated at the back of the classroom..always holding onto her things waiting for the bell to ring so she could hurry onto her li'l bro's school to pick him up. She was bossy, a bully, a problem during group projects because she's always off to somewhere doing errands. She was our certified 'driver'. We love her inspite of her shortcomings and she was like a hard-ass big sister to us all. Now she's happily married. Living off her dream abroad. We never thought that she'd be the one to marry first because of her attitude but she suddenly surprised us all by texting us that she's already married. Sigh. We're all happy for her.

 

Duk - The 'Model'. She was by far the tallest gal in the group. We've always known she'll make it big in the modelling arena. She once joined the Binibining Pilipinas beauty contest while in college but she had to pull out at the last minute or else she'd be forced to drop out of school. She now works at Globe while doing freelance modeling. Lucky girl!

 

Bettinah - The 'Problem of the Group'. She's funny, makulit and the number one laitera in the group but we love her nevertheless. We always go to her apartment in Timog when doing projects. She was also my buddy during our Global Cafe (in Katipunan) days. We would head there during our break and after class to chat. This girl wears her heart on her sleeve making her so vulnerable. We saw her cry a dozen times, listened to her lament whenever her boyfriend of present would hurt her emotionally. We have always told her to stop and re-assess what's happenng but she holds on to the guy for some unknown reason. O well, we just hope they're okay now.

 

AJ - The 'songer'. A consistent dean's lister. She's the brain in our group but she could be really slow sometimes..uhm..(lemme correct myself)..plenty of times. She had this popular blooper back in college wherein she hailed a private vehicle thinking it was a cab but stopping midway and exclaimed, 'Ay, may sakay pala..' Damn, it was so hilarious that it never failed to make us all laugh whenever we'd talk about it. She surely had a lot of booboos but I won't write 'em all here coz it'll take me days. She's now a radio newscaster at an FM station. She's also living her dream so I'm so proud of her. Oh, and I am so crushing on her boyfriend. It's a harmless crush so hush up and read on..

 

Katie - The 'clown'. We always knew that she'd be big someday. She always gets the lead role in plays during college coz she sure knows how to act and she's so damn hilarious. You guys might've seen her before at 'Wow Mali' at Channel 5 making fun of people. She's now an Associate Producer at the said station juggling two shows and a very active gimik life. She's our forever virgin barkada coz she was never involved with a guy back in college so we're all wishing that the streak be finally be broken now..hehe!

 

Cat - our very own 'Dayanara'. Her looks could be so arresting that even women would stop chatting whenever she walks by and ogle at how beautiful she is. She is so enchanting but beyond that face is a really cool down-to-earth gal. She can be really 'jologs' and we love that about her. She hardly notices how guys would stop at their tracks and drool whenever she passes. She doesn't let it get into her head. She's a really fun person and I miss her so much. She now works for a TeleCommunications company and is so in love with her Boo (sorry guys).

 

Sasa - 'Preacher no more'. We told her that we hated how she'd lecture us back in college about doing bad stuff and how she never failed to read to us a verse or two from the Bible when we share our problems with her. That was way back when she was in her 5 year relationship with an almost 'pastor' guy. I'm personally glad she broke it off after realizing how much she's been missing. She is now dating a 'funny named guy' and I'm happy for her. You go girl!

 

Me - The 'Writer' in the group. The title I placed above was from one of the projects we submitted in our Journalism class. Our prof commented that I'd be a good journalist...for a tabloid! Hahaha! Damn that teacher! Anyway, I was a self-proclaimed essayist and a writer during group projects. They tell me I express my feelings through writing so well. Now I only get to express my writings through this blog and some short stories I made before. I have always wanted to be a writer..a journalist but I don't wanna shift careers now 'coz that would mean I'd be settling for lower compensation. O well, I just hope that I get to do more writing other than this blog shit. Someday perhaps.

 

 

It felt good to reminisce about 'ol times and how life was simpler then. I miss 'em girls and I hope we get to re-group one of these days.

Today's really different..

I feel as if I have less worries because
I don't think about my prollems at home that much..
I don't think about my confusion with GT (Thank God!) that much..
I don't mull over having so many issues and questions about certain things that much..

I feel sooo light without me thinking about all my burdens!

*claps claps

I can smile without even having to know the reason behind it..
I can laugh carelessly..

It's truly a nice day for me...

*tralala..lala..lala

'Treat every relationship as if it's the last one, then you'll know how to Give...' 'Treat every moment as is it's the last day,then you'll know how to Treasure...'

Confessions of a (20-sumthin) Drama Queen

Realizations after my one-on-one conversation(with GT):
 
...We're still physically attracted to each other.
...We're both in need of someone to make us special.
...but we're both unsure if we're ready to commit..
...he talks about missing having someone to cuddle with, to kiss, to hug, to spend time with.. ...while i, on the otherhand, miss having that strong connection with someone and sharing a piece of me and not be scared of losing myself in the process.
...at least we agreed on something, and that is: we miss having a relationship but it was for totally different reasons and totally different levels. 
...we're so clueless on what to do with this newfound feelings that we are as good as any blind beggar working their way around the streets.
 
I admit that there are moments when I'm totally not liking him but there are also scary moments where I just want to lean over and kiss him. Sometimes I would hate how his hair is parted but other times I would totally dig him wearing a cap. There are times when I couldn't look him in the eye because I'm just not interested..but there are also moments when I couldn't look him in the eye, afraid he might see right through me and find out how I want him.
 
He regards our Subic escapade of some significance more than I did which flatters me immensely. The feeling of being wanted can be so overpowering that I forgot myself that night and went for the kill. I accepted his tongue lashing challenge but halfway through I started looking for a certain feeling of lightheadedness but it wasn't there. I couldn't even bear admitting that I even opened my eyes to catch a glimpse of how he looks like in the dark with his lips pressed on mine.
 
After that happening, I finally accepted the fact that it was all physical and I would then discourage any future meetings with him. 
 
But I surprised myself when I started reminiscing about that night at the veranda. It was like a tryst that wasn't supposed to happen. I even accepted that both of us are just physically attracted to each other and the only reason why we're trying to keep our hands off each other is that we don't wanna carry the burden of 'what'll happen' and 'what now' questions after we've done the dreaded deed.
 
We both owed up to that feeling but we're both clueless as to what should be done about it.
 
I guess that would count as a big cloud keeping us from re-affirming our spurred relationship before. I don't think I'm ready to jump into 'that' level yet. Even my friends are discouraging me and kept saying he's a walking-talking 'bad news'. 
 
Inside I know they're right. Our minds clearly run on different wave lengths and I'm almost sure that a 'we' would not work out (for the second time). 
 
Sometimes I ask myself why I kept reeling in guys with bad reputations. Am I a magnet for such? I dunno. I hope not.

(Wow..Blogger has a new feature! Now it looks and feels like I'm using MS Word when I'm writing posts! Cool!)

I loooove walking in the rain..well, it was drizzling actually. I sooo love the mood and the feel..there, I'm getting all romantic and stuff. 'Nuff of that.

I'm stoked that it's the end of work week already. I was looking forward to just lounging at home, watching some of the DVDs I got from Bulilit and maybe play badminton on Sunday with GT but I guess I have to drop my plans on getting lazy this Saturday.

I have organized a 'Good Riddance' Party for Bulilit at Discovery Suites. I'm doing it because she's a friend and they're expecting me to be the ring leader in organizing the party! Dang! It could really suck how I'm now branded as party organizer when I'm not that much of a party goer myself..I mean, especially when I'm not in the mood to go out and stuff.

Me and Bulilit at SBMA

+++

If someone asks how GT and I are doing..I would avoid the subject like the plague. Not that I don't want to tell but it's just that I have no idea what to say. I've no inkling if there's actually even an 'US'.

Hell, I'm not even sure if I want to have an 'US'.

Yes, the subject of whether we like each other or not has been settled. But it takes more than that to establish a relationship.

It's hard to recycle an ex. Really.

Guess I'll try not thinking too much about these things.

Just go with the flow and see where it'll lead you..

+++

on being single..it's not true that when we get older we lower our standards..it's just that we become cautious and we aim not for momentary happiness and kiligs..we deserve the best in life..even if that best is taking a long time to get to us.

on life...It's funny how it's easier for us to notice the rotten and sickening stuff happening around us..at home, at work, at the whole world..while it's harder to keep an open mind and believing in the goodness in all of us.
the life given to us was never intended to be perfect..it's when we learn to live and to fight for what we believe in that makes truly BE.

+++

Stress Reliever #1:
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

Stress Reliever #2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries
or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Stress Reliever #3:
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face
or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humour."

+++

Have a great weekend, everyone!

'silly as it may seem..there's nothing more freeing than plunging into something unknown. you owe it to yourself to feel strongly for someone else again..after a long time'

Factoids:
:I don't go for blind dates..I guess I'm just scared to die of boredom.
:The sweetest thing I've ever done for someone I love? I gave up everything for him. It could be sweet as well as dumb because I ended up losing myself in the process. So next time, I'll try to give as much without losing my worth.
:I feel like I'm ready to fall in love again..but I think my heart's still hesitant. Blame it on the past traumas I've experienced.Dang.

========



Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever? Or fell for you're best friend in the entire world, and then sat around and watched him/her fall for someone else?

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid.... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie...the thing we fear grows stronger.

Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you and yet you can never have them...when the moment you can't feel them under your fingertips you miss them?

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart ... but if you don't, you might break theirs.

Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides who it likes and who it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own... when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or that all Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had.
No one waits forever...

============

Know the difference between somebody you LOVE and somebody you LIKE:

In front of the person you like, your heart beats faster.
But in front of the person you love, you get happy.

In front of the person you love, winter seems like spring.
But in front of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter.

If you look into the eyes of the one you like, you blush.
But if you look into the eyes of the one you love, you smile.

In front of the person you like, you can't say everything on your mind.
But in front of the person you love, you can.

In front of the person you like, you tend to get shy.
But in front of the person you love, you can show your own self.

You can't look straight into the eyes of the one you like.
But you can always smile into the eyes of the one you love.

But when the one you like is crying, you end up comforting.
When the one you love is crying, you cry with her.

The feeling of love starts from the eye. But the feeling of like starts
from the ear.

So if you stop liking a person you used to like, all you need to do is
to cover your ears.

But if you try to close your eyes, love turns into a drop of tear and
remains in your heart forever.

"You're a complicated woman, aren't you?"
"Nope, I think I'm a simple woman, actually. I'm just good at complicating things."

-excerpt from The House of Sand and Fog by Andre Dubus II

I get confused about a lot of things.
Life is supposed to be simple, i just have a penchant for making it otherwise.

===

To GT:

Thanks for letting me know how you feel.
I was surprised 'coz it turned out you're feeling more serious stuff towards me then I do you
What stands between us now is a huge question mark.

Please don't start because I really don't know what to do.
We're both clueless about what we're feeling. We both know that we can't commit.
I have my reasons and so do you.
What we had before was an 'almost existing' relationship..
But I bailed because I got impatient as well as confused; you on the other hand walked off because you got weirded for my being like that.
How can we be sure that this time will be different?

I just don't see how two confused individuals can thrive.



===

WOMAN
-Maroon 5 (Spiderman 2 OST)


If I be so inclined to climb up beside you,
Would you tell me that the time just isnt right.
And if I ever find the key you hide so well,
Will you tell me that I can spend the night?

Leavin your smell on my coat, leavin your taste on my shoulder.
I still fail to understand what it is about this woman.

If I could bottle up the chills that you give me
I would keep them in a jar next to my bed.
And If I should ever draw a picture of a woman
It is you that would come flowing from my pen

Leavin your clothes on the floor, Making me walk out the door
And I still fail to understand what it is about this woman.

Helplessly melting as I stand next to the sun.
As she burns me, I am screaming out for more
Drink every drop of liquid, heap that I've become.
Pop me open spoon me out on to the floor.

leavin your smell on my coat, leavin your taste on my shoulder.
I still fail to understand, fail to understand
leavin your smell on my coat, leavin your taste on my shoulder.
I still fail to understand what it is about this woman...

I really have to stop smoking..

I have been sick since Wednesday..
I blame the stress I get from work and life..
I know..I can get sick from anything..and I guess I'm really not taking care of myself. There. Spank me.

I didn't show up for work for the last two days and I even got questioned for not notifying my superiors about my second missed day at work. I'm sick, I couldn't breathe normally so I found it hard to pick the phone up and inform them that I'm still under the weather.

So why am I out this Saturday morning?
I guess I needed some fresh air and some sunlight. I stayed cooped up inside my room for the past two days: just watching tv and reading books. I can say I'm really sick coz I don't even have the urge to eat. Dang!

I promise to take care of myself more.
I promise to try and quit smoking. It's hard coz almost all my friends are smokers;I'm not even welcome to the idea of inhaling second hand smoke. Read it somewhere that it's far deadlier than smoking the damn cigarettes yourself.
I promise to make quality time for myself. It's hard having so many friends (kapal!) and having all of them think up gimiks each weekend. I love them but I also love myself. So I just wish they'd understand if I take a raincheck once in a while.
I promise to be true to myself. I've been so indecisive about the li'l things and I'm really beginning to think that it has a deeper significance. That I'm really clueless about what I want in life right now. So I wish someone could knock some sense into me. Any takers?

I don't really want to be me right now..

=======

"I think about you sometimes. Sometimes would mean moments when I'm alone and left to my own devices. Sometimes also mean instances when I am away from you. When I know you are busy looking for that special someone and you seem to be overlooking the one who's in front of you. I swear I could wave a glow stick in your face and you still wouldn't notice me. It just shows how far you're looking. Why can't you look at the space in front of you? I'm there..you won't miss me."

"I consider you a dear friend. Someone I can spend hours talking about a lot of things. Someone who has the same interests as mine. Sometimes it scares me how we like the same stuff..the same songs..the same movies..the same nonsensical stuff..it's scary because it screams that we are perfectly made for each other. And yet you don't notice it."

"I have stopped fighting the urges. I have stopped jumping and waving just to get your attention. I got tired and it's time for me to take a seat. The feeling is still there..but I have decided to just view you from a far. I'll continue seeing you struggle with yourself..unwary that someone else is willing to share that single space with you."

What to do when you and your friends are bored and got nowhere else to go on a Saturday afternoon...

go to a hotel of course!

---------

So I hardly had any rest last weekend.

I went straight to the Podium after my shift to meet up with Hundun, Kaje, Beng and Emer. It was so nice to see 'em all again. It was a welcome change because we met up for a lunch and coffee date instead of a dinner and drinks afterwards.

Our gimmicks would always include checking in some posh hotels and just be plain lazy and drunk. I know...we all have our own homes but I don't know what's with hotels that we always end up spending a day or two there.

And so, while sitting outside Cafe Breton and smoking, we suddenly thought of staying at the hotel just across the street. As what Hundun said, 'ishpur op da moment'. We were all fired up as we hurriedly shopped for clothes at Megamall, bought some liquors then checked in at the Discovery Suites. It was fun although I ended up sleeping the rest of the night while they downed a couple of Mud Shakers and stuffed their faces with food.

I enjoyed the time I spent with them. It was nice to bond with long-time friends. I always feel good whenever I'm with them. I love them all!


Our group pic..Hundun with her 'secret na malupet' sandals, my kick-ass boots, Kaje's trusty ole sneakers, Emer's sexy sandals and Beng's uhm..ahm..thigh..hahaha!


..loving myself


me and Putee Poo Hundun (w/o her Yaya this time)


Shy when not drunk Beng and bad ass-drunk Emer


Eternally confused Kaje and Clueless Me

==========

I refuse to fall in love...again
-got this from my college bestfriend by someone who has written it for her..

I refuse to fall in love again. I understand the overwhelming reaction it provokes on anyone it touches, which only reminds me that situations of intense hatred are not all that far removed from intense love. They are strong, driving and powerful - which makes them dangerous.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against love. My cynicism has not been totally hacked away, but chipped chunks of it permit some glimmer of light to shine through. Love is the greatest inexplicable feeling of all. All too true, but perhaps, meant only for other people. Not I. Not just yet anyway.

It isn't that I'm obtuse, as much as I know that love can make people do things they wouldn't normally do. Love has a way of taking you out of yourself and making you dedicate yourself to another, who may or may not response in kind. Love is also a very disruptive experience. All your life you walk alone then all of a suffen somebody comes along and shakes all that. All this is what I find formidable - the power of the unknown. I have not been unloved, and I am not a total stranger to the feeling. I know how it feels to fall in love – the exultant euphoria of coming across a special stranger who touches something deep within you. Perhaps that is what I fear – to lose control to another human being like that, knowing all too well how fallible human beings are despite love; it is an unsettling prospect at best. Whenever I feel the pangs of stirring affection, the full of heady attraction, of the aching pain of missing someone of whom I am very fond of, it is not long before I stop myself and hold back, creating a safe distance, an impasse from which I can view this intruder with a cool, detached critical eye, not driven and blinded by wild, unreliable passion. I will myself to drift away – "I can live without this person" is what I often tell myself – in order to prevent the other from overwhelming me. Because I know that when I fall – I fall hard. And, if I fall again – I'll fall harder. Which only make me hold back all the more. That is, keep everything to myself…silently.

Is it selfish to relinquish the "I" for an unassured "WE"? Perhaps, but when it has taken too long to find that "I", one cannot entirely put to task for wanting to cherish the treasure of self longer than usual. At this point, I cannot gamble myself the self I sought for so long for the promise of a "YOU" and "I"; what guarantee is there that the other will not simply take my heart and stomp on it? Love gives no guarantee, and trust that is needed to bridge this uncertainty is perhaps what gives love its luster. But I have never been one easily given to trust, and therefore taking the leap into love is not an easy decision to make for me. Others plunge in with nary a second thought. They are not I.

Perhaps this primal insecurity only speaks of immaturity, and hence the inability to love, truly love. For mature or being in-love is one that does not seek fulfillment in the other, nor dependence, but rather, the mutual understanding and exchange of love connecting only to themselves.

Then, maybe then…when I am ready and bold enough to risk my heart again in asking the same promise which brought me to grief…IT COULD BE THE LAST.

Lethargic

You wouldn't know exactly what it is you're feeling unless someone tells it to your face...

A colleague asked, 'Is something bothering you?'
I nonchalantly asked why.

'You look and sound lethargic.'
Maybe I am.


I have been feeling kinda weird lately and I think it's time that I hit the brakes and look head on to whatever's bothering me.

The confines of my room is getting smaller. Each day I itch to be let out because the walls aren't strong enough to ward off the problems at home. I end up going to...
The workplace, which provides me with strength but not all the time. I can be kept busy but that gnawing discontentment and need to placate what's troubling me knocks every once in a while making me want to drop everything and run to....
My support group, which can always be called on whenever they're needed. But they can only give as much hug, a pat in the shoulder and some reassurance that everything will be alright. It always boils down to...
Me, the one utterly responsible for everything that happened, is occurring and will come to pass.


'Just as you began to feel that you could make good use of time, there was no time left to you.'
Lisa Alther