What's in store for the Goat this 2004...

GOAT
born in the year: 1943/ 1955/ 1967/ 1979/ 1991/ 2003
Element: water/wood/ fire / earth/metal/water


Characteristics:
A few common traits stand out of the Goat people: they are hardworking and peaceful people (yeah right!). Not quick to make impression, Goat people are not status-crazy. Rather, they enjoy what they do best, with or without getting the credit. The only area they will fight relentlessly is where it comes to the affairs of the heart (Haha..this is sooooooo right..'nuff said). They are good and reliable partners who will go through thick or thin for their loved ones (true again).


Goat's 2004 Luck
:
After one rough year in 2003, your luck will improve tremendously this year. In your business you will be presented with many new opportunities, some of which will not be your forte. However, you will have the blessings to turn everything to your advantage. All you need is: good dose of faith and same level of hard work. For those working, you may be headhunted for a totally new job (really?!?! Yahuuu!!!). If you don't know how to decide, let your spouse decide. Don't have one? Just toss a coin. Buy some lottery ticket.

Good and bad news for those who are singles and seeking. After the drought, you will be hit by many choices this year and you won't know who is the right one (Wish I believe in these crap). This issue, don't toss coin. Instead, treat everyone equal and try to know each individual better. Screen out the undesirable ones and elimintate one by one. You'll probably end up with two persons: one you really like but he has some serious bad points, and the other one whom you may not like as much as the first one but then he has some serious nice points. Toss a coin now? Heaven forbids.

Do not overwork. There will also be lovetraps; so do watch out. It is not impossible to have someone thirty years younger to want you. It is just not highly probable.

NOTE: This is actually a PDF format sent by a colleague so I can't really paste the whole crap here.

Kill me softly..

How does one say goodbye?

Why would one even want to say goodbye prematurely..let's say..by ending one's life?

It's really not a mystery to me because I would be a hypocrite if I tell you all that killing myself didn't even cross my mind..ever.

I remember back in high school when I had a huge fight with my mom. I locked myself up in my room, crying and wishing I was never born.
When I almost got my name blottered at the Police Station when I was in first year college because my parents thought I got kidnapped or something when I didn't come home after a party. When I finally came home, they threatened to get me off school and lock me inside our house for good.
When I broke up with my boyfriend two years ago because I found out he has been cheating on me and he hasn't stopped talking dope.

There were still more instances that I willed myself dead..but they were always for just one reason..
for the people that I love to realize that they've lost me and would in turn realize my importance.

I pictured myself dead..floating above them..seeing em all cry infront of my body..wishing I was stil alive... (I'm sick, eh?)

When I think about it now..I would always feel stupid and immature. I know now that everyone goes through something like this and always..almost always..they come out scathed but way stronger and wiser then before.

This subject came to mind because I have a dear friend who's going through a heartbreak right now. She was crying like there's going to be a hole in her life just because she lost someone. She think she's lost everything when she lost him. She thought everything will end if she would end hers.
I tried to tell her that committing this sin would not only merit a gate pass to hell but she'll be wasting all the hardships and achievements she made. I tried to tell her that this one being who broke her heart is not worth depriving the rest of the people who love her of the opportunity to make her feel special. I tried to reassure her that everything will pass and she'll get over it.

I just hope she listens..
I just wish she realizes how important life is and that one doesn't have a right to end it just because one trips and falls.

Baby Steps..

..that's what I'm taking.

The hugs..the smiles..the eternal 'everything will be alright' given by people who matter (at least to me)helps me brave each day with a smile and even occasional laughter. Somehow I'm able to face each day with my head upright knowing all that is happening will be over in due time and I'll emerge triumphant.

Enough about me.

Putee's in a dilemma. As I am also wounded from my own battle; all I can offer her's my friendship and a few hugs and kisses to make her feel that she's not alone.

Nemo will be givin birth to her li'l angel any day from now. I'm sure she's stoked as well as the people around her. Once the baby's here..it'll mark another chapter in her life. No one's sure how it's gonna unfold but I'm sure as hell I'll be there alongside her as she carries her own cross.

Twin's okay. I can see that she's happy. Although I can tell that she's sometimes affected by what other people say about her doing's lately..she knows that these people (including me) only want the best for her. I'm all for her happiness. I'll also be here in case she falls.

What I'm trying to say is:

We all have different skeletons hidden in the innermost part of our closets; different puzzles to figure out and answer and different paths to tread...I just hope we all emerge as winners or at least stronger than what we are now.

Rock-a-bye Baby...

The cradle has been rocked.


We had a family meeting last Sunday morning and my folks presented us with a sad truth...everything we knew and everything we were used to would have to change.

It broke my heart when I saw my mom cry. She cried in front of us so you must believe that it's something really serious. I kept my composure but I so wanted to get out of our house; to bawl over and cry.
With the sad news out; I have been shoved into adulthood even before I could say yes.
Before any of these happened; I was doing my duty as the eldest while struggling to enjoy myself on the side.
I still have unfulfilled dreams and aspirations that were forced to take a back seat while I was out helping my family..now I'm afraid I just have to bid a sad premature farewell to all that I want to accomplish and do.

I refuse to be sad and to be disheartened with all that's happening to my family now. I have to be strong for all of us. I will think of a way to get us all through this baptism of fire of sorts..
I refuse to let them see me weak. I won't let them see me cry. I won't let them see me damaged by this incident.

I remember my friends in high school and how they would tell me that I've a perfect family because during retreats...I'm the one whose eyes were always dry. *Wala daw kase akong kaproble- problema pagdating sa pamilya* so I've no reason to cry...

I wish they could see me now..my eyes are no longer dry...

Dazed and Confused

I am still dazed..from all the numbness and nothingness I'm currently feeling.

I laugh and chide about my cluelessness when conversing with my colleagues..but they don't know how empty and hollow my insides are. Do they actually have an idea that when they're talking to me..they're almost talking to a non-being..someone nearing its extinction?

It's like I drank an invisibility fluid and I'm starting to feel my insides slowly disappearing...my heart..my soul and last would be my body. I'm as sure as certain that it's starting to happen although I can't see it..I'm sure as hell can feel it.

I'm itching to do something weird..something unexpected..something that would even surprise myself. I need to wake up from this stupor. I need to wake up fast or I'll stay this way...locked inside myself with no key to get out.

Turning Point

I remember my Philosophy professor sharing with us that there is no such thing as a turning point, awakening, a major break and such...that we make it all up just to make certain decisions and happenings sound important than what it really are.

But I think I have really reached the turning point in my life wherein I suddenly ran out of options.
It's as if I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and I don't know if I should make the dreaded drop or retrace my steps and return to where I came from..

My future's as foggy and bleary as a bathroom mirror can get after you ran a hot bath. I have a few ideas but they're all as good as unlikely to happen.

I've thought of applying for a US Visa or something. But when i think about it..I only wanna go there just so I can..you know...be there. I've always wanted to travel to some distant and unknown place.
I've also thought of getting a job at a cruise ship because it has always been my dream to go on a cruise with a loved one. If I work there,I think it'sgonna be the cheapest way to travel..because I'll be working and enjoying at the same time.

You might have noticed that I didn't write any plan that concerns me staying rooted here in the Philippines. I actually don't see myself working here in our country on a long shot. Maybe I'm choosing not to think of plans for here or I just don't see myself staying here and watch my country rot(I'm a pessimistic bitch).

Of course those are just dreams. I'm not forgetting that I have responsibilities at home..my 'rents and my sibs. I sometimes find it hard that I have to postpone certain decisions and moves in my life because I've to prioritize my family.

*sighs*

It's hard. And it doesn't help that I'm seeing colleagues and close friends coming into terms with their dreams and are all making big and important choices.

What about me? What the f*ck do I have planned for myself? Maybe you know..maybe you can tell me..coz I am totally clueless...

Me is Tired

I want a break..
from being a responsible daughter, a sib, a friend, a worker..

a break from being me..

even just for a day...

Divine Discontent

I felt so tired all of a sudden..

I was at work and I was doing all that was required of me to do but with my minding wandering. It's a good thing I'm a skilled multi-tasker.

I suddenly got tired of my routine of a job.
I suddenly hated what I'm doing.
I suddenly got sick of all the people around me.
I suddenly wanted to barf.

I suddenly missed Nemo..our deep and profound talks.
I suddenly missed my old friends.
I suddenly missed being contented.

I want to do something with my life.
Problem is I don't know where the hell to start...

I'm back

I'm still not over yesterday's post..but I've finally decided to throw in the towel and keep mum about what I feel.

Anyway, here are the pics that will speak of my whereabouts last week:

Dinner w/ my girl friends at CPK. Abi Viduya, moi and Putee (Taray and Bengertz were also with us)

The bracelet given to us all courtesy of Abi (of course mine has my name on it)

View by the beach. Quezon.

me and my cuz'ns (Dad's side)

our version of Filipinas (Mom's side)

My cute cuz - Alex

All I Can Do Is Sigh...

I started out this post with accounts on what I did during my vacation..but something distracted me and I lost all will to write about all the fun things I did last week.

O well, vacation's over. It was a well-deserved one and I could say I made the most out of it. I kept my word and stayed out of blogger (blog vacation, remember?) but I managed to bloghop whenever I get the chance.
I actually swore off computers and stopping by the office because again..I was on vacation.

But I wasn't actually telling the whole truth. I did steer clear of blogger but I created an account on livejournal and managed to update it with my innermost what-have-you's. I felt more compelled to let out everything without fearing that the person being mentioned might read it and find out what I feel.

It's doubly hard to be a friend to someone whom you can see's headed for a disastrous suicide of sorts. I know so because I am an observer this time. I see her smile but at the same time, I can see her crying a few weeks, months or years from now because of what she's doing right now.
I know I don't have any right to tell her what to do. I know it's none of my business. But it's hard to keep mum about things especially because I care about this friend so much that I'm actually afraid that what she's doing right now will lead her to tears later.
I am tempted to keep a deaf ear and a blind eye to whatever's happening..but I can't because she's dear to me.
I can't do anything now. She's a big girl anyway.
I have done my part.
I guess I just have to be ready once she needs me. Be ready for the big fall.

Because that's what friends do.