WHO AM I?


If I look back to what I was way before, I would hardly recognize myself. I even developed a headache trying to remember who I was, where I went to, who I used to hang out with - its like I didnt exist before. It's like I was swirling in limbo endlessly and then I became what I am now.

A friend suddenly blurted out, "I wish I could be like you, dear..a loner."
That stumped me. I wouldnt call myself a loner. Heck, Im even tagged by others as a party animal! So whats that all about?!

I am a little of both actually. I can be by myself and you wont see me gasping for breath or desperately seeking solace among friends. I can circle the mall and shop all by my sorry self, I can watch a movie alone and I can even dine by myself.

Of course, there are times when I would like to be around friends. I go to parties. I tag along everywhere the party goes. I drink like anyone does. Dance like anyone does. I love laughter. I love the talks that emanate every time there is a gathering.

You can say that I go with what I feel. I can decide to bum around the house or stay out all night for all I care. I dont do things just to please other people. I am good like that.

And that certain time came when I suddenly popped the question - What was I like before?

And thats when I got totally confused. I blacked out =I was clueless. I had no idea what I was like before. I had no identity. Sure I have friends and I even got involved in romantic connections but it all failed and its only now that I realized the reason why - - I didnt know myself back then. I saw my past self circling the horizon not knowing what to do. It was like I was standing still for ages while the whole world evolved into something I hardly recognized.

The break-up with my then boyfriend was what I can call my Awakening. Pathetic, forlorn and hopeless, I was suddenly facing my life as a clean and unsoiled slate. I picked up the bite-size pieces that were my heart and my self-esteem. I inched my way towards self-discovery until finally I gained a respectable job and won a handful of friends.

I love what I have become. I love my mood swings and my idiosyncratic way of looking at life. I love it that I am idealistic. I love it that I can sit still for a long time and not feel the need to move or do something. I love it that I dont need people to make me feel whole.

I love what I have become and I hope I stay this way..or at least transcend to something much better.